Fear, Anxiety & Knitting

As long as I can remember fear & anxiety has been up front & centre in my life. I felt safer in my bedroom than out in the world.  Fear & the anxiety I would say became a friend. Something that would stop me from trying things, meeting people, furthering my education.  

In the last 10 years I can look back, see what it was & understand where it came from. When it came to my knitting I was slightly ambitious. My aunt taught me the construction of socks so that I could make them well. In high school I made 2 sweaters with some colour work. After my mom died I asked my neighbour to teach me to spin yarn. Soon after Ravelry came about. It has been a really big boost in my over coming some of my fears. YouTube has also helped with tutorials on stitches.

I do find that the fear of trying something new & the anxiety that follows is still with me. I find that anger with myself pops into the mix sometimes also. I am my own worst enemy. Giving myself a pep talk doesn't come as quickly as it should. I recently worked though some anxiety to learn a new stitch for some gloves for a friend. They are not perfect but are still beautiful. 

I am slowing trying to LIVE, LOVE & KNIT ON!! 

The Process of Healing

Have you ever tried to enjoy the process of healing? I don't think I have. I marvel at the healing power of my body. I had a fall last week. It was serious. My hip & back were affected.  Some other parts of my body were affected also. I am amazed how much was a fall can upset my whole body.

I am also in awe how many little things I do through out the day that I cannot do that makes the day go by easier for our household.  Trying to figure out what to let go & what to ask for is extremely hard.  My body needs time to heal; I need to give it time; yet there are things to do, people counting on me; needing, wanting!!

If I don't care for myself, who will? If I don't treat myself with some kind of respect who else will? I usually put myself last most times... most every time. Healing is a process just like every other thing in our life.

Half a Century......

So tomorrow (June 27) I will be turning 50. Fifty. Half a century. I never really thought in any way I would be 50. In my younger years (school age) I didn't even think that far. In my 20's I just thought it was funny. That was old. In my 30's I was busy working, being married to think about 50. I think I had a bit of a oh crap I am 35.

Then our lives took a horrible turn with the diagnosis of my Moms colon cancer. So the end of my 30 to mid 40's was all about family members dying & being diagnosed myself with breast cancer. So I did not really thing about turing 50 at all then.

So now the night before I am to turn 50, I am struggling with the thoughts of how the time has just flown. How I failed at many things, hurt many people (some intentional & some not so much). I am reminded that in my younger life I wanted to get married to my knight in shining armour, have a home with a picket fence, a dog & some kids.  Instead I got a gold miner, many dogs & no kids. I did not finish college due to some laziness & procrastination!!!

My life is definitely not where I thought I would be at all. I did not think I would be dealing with anxiety & depression. That was not on my radar. I did not think I would be childless. YET I AM!!

I am today living in a beautiful home, doing a job I love (most of the time), at home. I have a husband that loves me most of the time & 2 beautiful dogs. I live in a community that is wonderful & surrounded by friends that are the best. I am involved in a church that is my life.

So at 50 what I know for sure..... Life is really short. Life can be hard. When it isn't enjoy!!

Frogging things is ok....

I started the Slinky Rib Sweater last September (2015) for a sweater kal at my lys. I was so excited to start it. I went to the start night & met some nice people & also some really cute little ones.

As I went along I was unsure of the pattern. It had a provisional cast on which I did not do before & was so weird on my brain. But I continued. The yarn I chose was beautiful but I was very disappointed with the amount of vegetation left in it since it was a commercial processed & spun yarn. Yet I kept going....

I did not meet the dead line for the kal which was a bummer because I know I can do a sweater in about 4 to 6 weeks. I will try again though,  So after I tried it on, knit it a bit longer, did the collar & button band I began doing to sleeves. Well I could not do it any longer. I was just looking the way I wanted. The fabric was just not appealing to me. I too most of it & skeined it back & though away the part that I could not undo. I don't like giving up & usually feel like a failure when I do. Today I felt I learnt something. I learnt to go with my instincts. They are the biggest tool we have.